Hey Bro, Let's Talk Testicles!

Hey Bro, Let's Talk Testicles!

By Khyne Palumar December 2, 2013 08:00 PM 28974 views

From FHM's November 2013 issue

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Ever thought of what your "pair down there" would say if it could talk? How about, "We don't like it scrambled," or "We are what makes you fearless"?

Assuming you and your yagbols are already in speaking terms, here's the annotated half of that intimate conversation:

"I’m more an indoor person, but biology decided it’s better I dangle out here."

We all know this: nutsacks produce sperm. While the rest of titi is pleasured, bayag busies itself with cooking up semen-and-sperm to fling out the big boss’s head. Testicles don’t conventionally get the same amount of action as penises (strokes and teabag action notwithstanding) and few women would stick them inside vaginas. So why are your balls outside your body instead of inside it? Kasi mainit.

The ideal temp for sperm production is a few degrees lower (about 32ºC to 34ºC) than core-body temperature (36ºC). Evolutionary biologists say this is a major reason it hangs out from under there. When it’s cold, your family jewels retreat closer to your body, which explains “shrinkage.” And when it’s hot out, it hangs even lower.

"Laki ako sa hirap"

The reason testicles are sentimental: Whoever’s in charge didn’t scrimp on other vital organs’ protection. Brains, for example, are helmeted-in by skulls, livers are housed inside ribs, and pelvises shield women’s ovaries. Everyone else was sheltered while your sensitive nuts dangled naked, born without automatic jock straps, and exposed to life-threatening elements the likes of knees, balls, etc. The blame splits between biology and evolution: Hey, nobody told us to start walking erect.

"Sure, I’m practically attached to your penis, but I’m really more a pussy than a dick."

The funny and sad thing about your balls is, the pair has around the same amount of touch-sensitive nerve endings (over 8,000 of it) as the clitoris in women’s pepe—except female genitals are rigged with pleasure, and your nuts are landmined with pain receptors.

Here's a checklist for a better comparison.

I prefer cotton to most clothing material."

Among other clothing material/ipit bayag-wear your testicles don’t appreciate: Skinny jeans, said to risk fungal and urinary tract infections, whilst risking lower sperm count over long term use, as pointed out in a study conducted among 2,000 skinny jean wearers over a four-week period published in Huffington Post in 2009.

Skinny-jean wearers also risk bladder problems in the long term, and in short term, an increased need to pee.

Cotton, on the other hand, absorbs up to 27 times its weight in liquid/pawis, preventing most smells, and was used by most cultures in their early interpretations of male briefs (see below). 

"Cut off my twin and life goes on."

One-testicle wonders (Tom Green, Lance Armstrong) exist. Your testicles are more like tonsils and kidneys (paired organ, can spare the other one) than conjoined twins. Of course, unless you really needed to (tumor, testicular cancer, infections) there’s no reason for castration.

"There’s more feeling in one bayag than the other."

Sexperts advising women on testicle foreplay will say two things: 1) Go easy on them; and 2) Alternate the licking, blowing and himas between balls. The advice is mostly for variety, but science says one testicle is more concentrated with nerve endings than the other. Try it at home!

"I need a doctor."

Sometimes your penis gets sick and your balls are unaffected. But when your balls get sick, the big boss suffers it through, too. So you need to sound the alarm whenever it needs to be sounded. Asian Hospital and Medical Center’s Urology department lists three to look out for:

• Testicular torsion. Twisted blood vessels inside. Happens when your nuts take a beating the wrong way.
• Infertility. Baog men produce semen but not enough or no sperm at all for a number of reasons: blocked sperm tubes, STD-related side-effects, thyroid-testicle relations, etc.
• Testicular cancer. Tumors! And cancer-related side effects, in your balls.

You could also do your own testicular exam! Here's how:

"Right is my leaner angle."

Just like women’s boobs aren’t symmetrical (even when they look like they are), one testicle is always bigger/ smaller than the other—in this case: Left testicles are statistically larger. Here's an interesting pie chart about this.

"I don’t really get blue. More like purple"

The proper doctor term for it is vascocongestion: a supply of too much blood stuck in one organ. To nitpick: an engorged blood seen through kayumanggi to light brown skin, results in purple-colored bayag.

For the blow-by-blow scenario, see below:

"I may not taste very good when she’s forced to lick me, but I’m sure glad I’m not a bull’s."

Bull’s testicles (Soup No. 5) are the top edible genitals across hemispheres, right after lambs’, roosters’, and younger cows’/calves’. Edible yagbols are called “oysters” as in Rocky Mountain Oysters, and “eggs” as inHuevos de Toro (Bull’s eggs).

Here are other ways to cook testicles:

• Skinned, scalded, and soaked in cold water
• Deep-fried naked, or in batter or breading
• Sauteed in toyo, Worcestershire, and/or other sauces
• Roasted
• Adobo’d

"Kilikili, singit, and I have one thing in common."

It’s no mystery that your balls—tucked away in the dark, prone to moisture, hairy, and with pores that secrete sweat—develop certain types of smells. But how is it doing compared to its similarly indoor neighbors? Here's a chart explaining just that: